#this is apparently what i'm thinking about at 2am when i should be sleeping

[pettson]

joel missing tess in jackson.

joel learning how to live alone without his partner for the first time in almost 20 years.

joel sleeping alone in a bed for the first time in almost 20 years.

joel still sleeping on his side of the bed even though the space next to him is empty.

joel talking to her when he’s alone in his house.

joel sitting on his porch plucking on his guitar and playing her favourite song and it almost feels like she’s there in the chair next to him.

joel at a dance absolutely not dancing, imagining how tess would’ve dragged him up on the dance floor

joel missing tess in jackson ;_;

[mara-and-its-the-same]

CONGRATS DELLA<333333

There is nothing like staying at home, for real comfort 🌷- pick a character or a few and come up with a prompt and I’ll write a fluff blurb <3

steve harrington (what did you expect honestly) + the prompt/hc/idk of eating at some tiny diner at 2am because why not?? (i hope that's ok)

once again, congrats<3

Thank you my love 🥰🥰🥰

(trying 2nd person 😬, we'll see how it goes) (not proofread)

☆☆☆

"No, stop thinking! No thoughts, just answer!"

"Steve, this is a big question, it's the middle of the night, we're running out of gas, we could get kidnapped for all we know, it's a big question."

"Honey," the endeared irritation apparent in his tone, even though he was keeping his eyes on the road and you couldn't see his face. "Diner or truckstop? Exit's comin' up."

"Uhh..."

"Pick now, pick now, pick now," he urged you on as he started to veer off towards the exit.

"Diner!"

"Perfect! And it's right here." The neon sign lit up the spaces between the trees and the snowglow through the winter air made it seem like the forest lining the road was glowing.

He pulled in and found the closest spot to the entrance, just to make you more comfortable. "You got your jacket?" he asked you.

"I threw it in the trunk."

"Just keep mine then." It was laying over your lap for half the ride anyway, a perfect blanket.

"You can't not wear a jacket, you'll freeze."

"You can't wear a frozen jacket."

"Then we'll share."

"Wha-" But you were already waving him out of the car.

"Put it on."

"Baby, no"

"Put it on and come here. Come on, come on. We don't have all day, I'm freezing already."

He finally, reluctantly, put it on and you pulled his arms tight around you with your back to his chest. "Right foot first. Whaa! No, your other right."

"It's icy, babe, be careful. And my right is your right."

"My right is your right when you haven't been driving for 4 hours. This foot, Vermont shuffle, come on."

It was the longest minute ever, the kind of freezing that makes your joints hurt just thinking about it seeping into your bones and making the three yards into the diner more like an exodus.

Both of you sighed the moment the warmth of indoor heating touched your skin. He spun you around and pushed your arms under his jacket, holding you close with the hot skin of his back against your cold palms.

The obvious display of affection didn't stop the clearly overtired hostess from offering a sweet smile.

"Hi, uh, two please?" Steve asked through chattering teeth.

"Right this way." She sat you both at a wraparound booth right under a vent and Steve wrapped his coat back around your shoulders as soon as you were settled.

"Thank you, and could we have 2 coffees please?"

She nodded and went off to grab the pot. "You should sleep the rest of the way, don't have another coffee." You said as you smushed closer to him, part for the warmth, mostly just because he's him.

"I know, they're both for you. But you know you can wake me up right? Even if it's just to tell me whatever random thought popped into your head? Or you can't figure out the radio, whatever you want."

"Yes, I know, but I also know that I want you to sleep. I don't want you all grumpy tomorrow."

"I won't be grumpy."

"You'd be so grumpy. You'd be hiding behind your sunglasses all day, and asking me when we can go home. Na-ah, don't even argue."

The waitress came back and Steve ordered for you since you couldn't speak through your mouth full of coffee.

***

"You're kidding." You slapped your palm against the table at Steve's gossip about the kids.

"I am not, I got this straight from Dustin. And he got it right from Max."

"Max didn't tell you?"

"No, why would she?"

"Because you're the biggest gossips I know! You two plus Eddie in one room and that's half of Hawkins' rumor mill,” you said.

"We are not."

"Absolutely you are, eat your breakfast-dinner, I need you sleeping."

"Why, you don't want my charming, irresistible company?"

"No, I do, you know I do, but we literally just had this conversation, and your snores make much better company than grumpy old man Steve."

He gasped and clutched his chest, he's been spending too much time with Eddie. "I am not an old man."

"Mhm, worse than Hopper sometime," you picked up his fork, "but if you sleep, there's no old man." He let you bring the fork to his mouth and spoke once he swallowed.

"That sounds way too ominous, like you're trying to poison me."

"What? How!?"

"'No old man' like I'm never gonna make it to old man."

"Hmm...Do you want to be old?"

"Like now? Or just eventually old?"

"Eventually."

"I mean, yeah? I get to be old with you right?"

"Yeah, why, is that a must?"

"Absolutely it is."

"You wanna be with me when you're old and bald?"

"No no, honey, Harrington's don't bald. Have you seen those pictures of my grandpa in the hallway? How many full heads of grey hair have you ever seen?"

"I can't say very many."

"Exactly, a Harrington specialty. And we'd have a cat, when we're old. "

“Nursing home roomies?”

He looked practically offended at the notion. “Nursing home?! Absolutely not, no way, we spent however long raising those kids, the least they could do is take care of us.”

“Hmm, so no nursing home, only kids—“ “and the cat.” “—and the cat. What if they’re mean to us? Elder abuse.”

“No no, our kids are too good for that. They wouldn’t dream of it.”

“Have you been planning this? Is this what you’re thinking about when Robin calls me because you’re staring off into space?”

“No way baby, this is straight off the cuff.”

“Flying off the handle.”

The hand back over the chest and a shoulder nudging yours. “Rude.”

“Drink your juice.”

Tags: @new-romqntics @sw34terw34ther @beezywriting @haydipoof @avipoof

[eric-the-bmo]

Blood and Silicon ep19.5: Road Trip

[Summary: This road trip is off to a horrible start. There's also small lore crumbs.] @kentuckycaverats @sanguineasylum @zwoelffarben

In the car, it's a bit tense. Percy is drawing and using a locket photo for reference; when asked, he said the subject was a good friend of his. Leo's still a bit pissed over earlier, so he's trying not to make it obvious he's curious about Percy's drawing.

Blake pushes Percy on the pack comment he had made earlier, and they go back and forth on the subject, dancing around actually saying what Blake is accusing him of. Leo is confused, like he's missing something, until finally Percy admits he is/was a member of the Sabbat. Blake is Not Happy about having a cultist in his jeep, and Percy isn't happy that Blake views the Sabbat as a monolith of wild killers.

Leo tries his best to silently follow along/ take notes as Blake and Percy begin to argue about the Sabbat and sectarian politics, dropping bits of sect lore and Percy backstory along the way; it turns out Percival is trying to find his former coterie. As they do this, Blake (who's implied he's encountered some Sabbat loyalists at some point) mentions the viniculum while making a jab at Percy- Leo stops like he's realized something, but the other two don't notice bc they're busy arguing. Blake also tells Percy to stop using Heightened Senses all the time at some point, and the whole thing is Very Tense. Neither of them really "win" this argument, so to speak.

The coterie eventually gets to a rest stop. Blake exits to go to the store section, and Percy stays in the car to read a detective novel he brought along. Leo gets out for a moment, and yells into his hands out of frustration before going "God, we're so fucked." He follows Blake into the store where the Gangrel is buying a few things to keep up the appearance of us still being human. They have a small chat. Leo is gifted some cheap sunglasses.

Blake and Leo go outside so the Malk can feed [and ends up drinking from a woman who was on some sort of drug cocktail??? He's fine, the effects passed super quick, but he maybe took too much from her :-( ], and Leo heads back to the car. Here, he requests something from Percy in regards to what happened in the locker room: ["Just don't... don't fuckin' look at me like that, yeah? It brings up things I'd rather not think about."] Percy says he can't entirely promise it, but will try his best. Blake returns to the car, and we get back to driving.

At 2am we get to Reno; Blake realizes he forgot to give Leo something, and hands him the Gameboy they'd taken from Kyra's base. We check into a motel, and Percy sets up a gun to point at the door while Blake takes a quick shower. We get set up; Percy watches the news, and Blake might've stolen some stuff based off a new report they see. Speaking of Blake, he exits the bathroom, and Leo notices the bandages on his arm. Leo confronts him about it (as well as the arm), and while Blake doesn't say anything about his injury he does admit to pawning things for cash and then coming back later to steal them back (as well as anything else he might like there). It's something he had apparently picked up while being a vampire; Leo's more concerned about the "possibly getting caught" part.

To avoid the sunlight from the curtains, the coterie all sleeps in the bathroom.

Notes/Commentary:

This is a bit shorter because it wasn't an official session? Anyway

Blake and Percy should physically fight each other /j Those two argued for the better part of an hour it was a whole thing

Leo's finally figured something out!!! My god. I'm gonna be real: I don't think I know how to roleplay his emotions about it. oh no and Oh Boy!

crumbs of lore from all of them....

[scenetocause]

NOT to be greedy but i would kill & die for ur take on max & lando informing the following people about the impending baby: 1) jon malvern 2) tom bale 3) random f1 driver of your choice (lewis? daniel??)

o alright then

(mpreg, some nsfw, ambiguously trans max)

This - they should have known this plan was not going to work. What was supposed to happen was Max just saying he was driving and so couldn't drink on Oli's birthday . Except Oli had immediately said he'd get them a cab and fuck the money, let's have a big one and then they had to think fast, which neither of them is good at so Lando just got them a hotel room and then got distracted by the bed.

Which is why their back-up plan was Lando drinks all of Max's drinks too. It is, Max is coming to realise, possibly the worst plan in history. He's managed to dispatch a couple into plant pots and one into the sink in the loo and Oli's drunk enough now not to notice.

The problem is Lando is also so drunk he's quite hard to control. And Max would kind of like to go back to their room and sleep because he's crotchety and tired and drunk Lando is just unbelievably annoying at the best of times.

Which is what makes him make a huge mistake and leave Lando with Tom while he goes to the loo because apparently he can't drink more than half a glass of water without needing a piss, these days.

When he gets back, Tom looks a) very drunk, b) confused and c) like he's scrutinising Max. To be fair, the second two of those can be explained by the first but something about the way Lando looks both deliriously happy and sort of sheepish tells him some kind of shit has gone down and it's 2am and he wants to go home.

"Alright, what the fuck?"

"I mean..." Tom takes a big swig of a drink he definitely doesn't need. "I mean, I could say that - I didn't know you were. Y'know, that Lando had. I thought you were just-"

"Lando," Max hardly ever uses his real name to him and he knows it's a bit of a mum tactic to do it when he's telling him off but, well, whatever, they're going to be dads soon aren't they?

"I'm sorry!" Lando hiccups pathetically and it's nearly enough to make Max forgive him except he is hormonal and he can already guess what's happened here. "I just - I love you and. And I wanna tell people and it just, I'm really drunk."

Lando emphasises it by falling over and only just catching himself on the table, before reaching a sticky hand for Max. "You're just soooooo-"

There's a very strong possibility something absolutely terrible is going to come out of Lando's mouth, so Max shuts him up with his. It's a bit reckless, given they're in public but Lando's apparently in the mood to make announcements.

Except Lando's mouth somehow tastes of pineapple and ginger beer and at least three types of alcohol and Max has to reel back immediately and cough. "Jesus, what have you been drinking?"

"Everything," Lando says, woefully and slumping on the table. "I'm gonna feel so bad."

Tom is looking at them like he's making calculations except he's too drunk to make the maths add up and Max is too tired to help him. "Mate, I'm gonna take Bob somewhere to throw up. Speak to you tomorrow?"

He gets a nod, Tom looking like he hasn't blinked for several minutes and Max manages to shoulder Lando enough to find their jackets and maneuver him out. Thank fuck their room's only a walk away, Max trying to stop Lando tripping him up before he manages to get him into the lift and then onto the bed.

"Max.," Lando sounds very small. "I'm sorry. I tried to drink all the- I wanted to, I like you so much."

Max sighs. "I like you too, buddy. But you gotta brush your teeth before bed or I'm gonna throw up more than you."

Lando hiccups, in reply. Wobbles to his feet and takes some steps towards the bathroom. He's just about to shut the door when he turns back and goes. "Maxy, no one's thrown up more than you."

He throws a pillow at the door and finally, finally gets into bed, instantly feeling better for being horizontal.

Max wakes up with Lando curled round his back, holding him and if it hadn't been so sweaty he could've forgotten they're going to need to share toilet time this morning, Lando groaning as soon as Max unlocks his phone.

There's a text from Tom, which doesn't really surprise him but it's from this morning, not last night, so actually contains coherent words not just a symbol keysmash.

Should've said congrats to you and Bob. Gotta let me be a godfather.

Max is too close to the time he's gonna need to throw up to reply to that, so just rolls over a bit, into Lando. "Y'know you told Tom we're having a baby?"

"Yhhh." Lando sighs. "We are."

-

Lando agonises over it, for some reason. Says it's not his thing to tell Jon and Jon doesn't really need to know, except that Jon sort of has to know everything about Lando and also clearly has guessed something is up with the way Lando keeps having to make time for things and then Max is suddenly moving to Monaco.

He doesn't want to credit Lando with having taken one for the team by getting blasted and telling Tom but maybe it is Max's turn. And Tom knowing has helped, it's taken the teasing down a notch and let Max relax a bit more, not feel like he has to wear baggy clothes or can't go swimming.

There's a lazy morning (well, for him) in Monaco when he gets out of bed late and realises Lando must be in the office on a Zoom call, finds Jon sitting in the lounge. He's fairly confident he doesn't need to explain why he just walked out of Lando's bedroom because Jon seems easily intelligent enough to count the number of rooms in a small flat and do that particular bit of maths but he does hesitate for a second, only wearing a robe that sort of makes it obvious.

In the end, Lando's been saying it's his to tell and he doesn't think Jon's judgemental enough to be an ass about this, so he walks across to the breakfast bar, starts trying to find a mug in the dishwasher.

Jon looks up at him and gives him a grin, friendly as ever and then Max straightens up and. He could just be getting fat, to someone who didn't recognise anatomy but Jon does, knows what Max's body looks like, knows he doesn't normally have a small curve from his crotch to his waist.

To his credit, he doesn't stare at it, looks more like he's filed it away somewhere in wherever he keeps information about Lando. Just says "hey" and asks Max how he is.

Max shrugs. "Lazy, this morning."

He could try and excuse it all as that. Jon would give him an out. If Max had a baby that looked exactly like him and Lando in his arms, Jon'd let him say as much as he wanted to.

But he wants to tell.

There's a pause. "I've been, y'know. Morning sickness, for ages and it's just worn off, which is mega so I'm just, y'know. I probably shouldn't be lazing around but it's nice getting the bed to myself."

Jon nods, solemnly, then smiles again. "How long?"

"To go?" He gets another nod and Max looks at the chart stuck to the fridge, realises they maybe aren't as subtle as they think they are. "Uhm, like two months now? D'you wanna see the scan?"

He hasn't shown anyone. Well, apart from his mum and he made her swear not to tell anyone, except he knows she told his dad to stop him taking Max golfing. He misses it, the baby's gonna have to get used to whatever a child seat for a buggy is.

Jon doesn't ask any awkward questions, lets Max show him everything because once the dam's burst it turns out he really wants to talk about their baby. About all the kinda exciting things, like how he's counting the kicks like the doctor told him and they're small but they're healthy and that's ok because Max is pretty small and Lando's not much bigger. And they're gonna get them a crib, at first, when they're little and then Lando's office is moving into the gaming room and they've been buying, just the last week or so, stuff for when the baby's here.

"Wow," says Jon. "You've really got it all figured out."

It's the first time it's occurred to Max they actually kind of do. Having no one to help them's kind of made it their problem.

He subconsciously puts a hand on the sort-of-bump, soothing. "I hope so."

"Listen, mate, I don't think anyone has everything sorted. But you look like you're doing alright and they're gonna have two great dads." Jon gives him a pat on the shoulder. "If you need more time with Lando I can make him actually concentrate instead of trying to avoid sets."

Max shakes his head. "Nah. You're alright, he only fusses over me anyway - which, like, it's nice but sometimes I just wanna do things for myself."

He sets about making the tea he'd abandoned, as well as one for Jon and by the time he's finished Lando comes out of the office, visibly doing a double-take at Max being there and obvious about it.

"Congratulations, mate, you didn't tell me." Jon says it with a little bit of reproach. "Thought you were just sneaking off, not going to ultrasound appointments."

Lando blushes, reaching for Max and slinging his arms round him from behind. "Yeah, well. It's - not just Max's thing but, y'know. It's his news."

Lando kisses his ear, soppy and wet and Max should fight him off but actually Jon just gives them a very affectionate, indulgent look before getting back to whatever he's working on. Max leans back on Lando, lets him take his weight for a second, kneading at Max's back where it's started aching.

-

Max assumed Oscar was going to be the first driver to find out and then he was going to have to go through some sort of various stages of career-grief, explanatory cringe and finally, hopefully, baby excitement. That was because he was thinking about it from his perspective, though and he knows Oscar.

From Lando's perspective, it is not at all surprising that it's Carlos.

He lets Lando bring him to all the European races and Miami. Although in retrospect, just as well that one was early enough in the season no one could've told anything. By some insane coincidence the baby's due in the August break, which there's no way they would've been able to plan.

What that means, though is that by Spa he's fucking waddling or at least feels like it. Maybe they got the dates wrong? Maybe the baby's gonna turn up during Q2. It's wet and Max hates Spa (and feels bad for hating Spa) and he hates it even more when it's raining and the baby seems to hate it too, kicking him viciously all the way through quali and not even slightly soothed by a hand inside his hoodie pocket.

He looks odd, now. It's still mostly hide-able in big enough clothes and the weather makes it easy to layer up both his and Lando's rain jackets, bundling himself up. But he's got a bit of a weird glow to him and he can't walk or sit normally anymore, struggles with getting up or sitting down without losing his balance.

Of course Lando has to put it on fucking pole so he hauls himself up via the arm of the McLaren sofa and does his own coat up, shrugs Lando's round his shoulders, to trudge to the interview pen.

He doesn't want to lean on the fence, that feels way too much like looking over a stable door, barefoot or some shit. Which Lando would probably love, especially if Max wore a milkmaid dress but he's not indulging that on the first baby. Or thinking about the fact he's already accepted there will be a second. Wants that.

He leans against the pit wall, instead, watching Lando do his interview and feeling proud of his man. Lando works hard for it, on himself and the team and Max does want to get back to doing his own thing one day but it's nice, knowing this is who provides for them. The baby flips over or something, makes him stuff a hand in his pocket to stroke the bump but at least they've been pacified by their other dad doing well, no longer trying to bruise Max's kidneys.

It's only when Lando catches his eye that Max feels a bit of panic. He'd been expecting a smile and a wave, the usual thing that happens when they see each other at the podium, when Lando's done well. Instead, Lando frowns, gets out of his interview as fast as possible and then vaults the metal fence, straight through his mechanics, to get to Max.

"Whoa there, Bob, what the fuck-"

"Nono, you need to be in the warm." He tries to say he really needs not to be bundled by Lando but it's pointless, already being lovingly but forcefully marched back to the McLaren garage and motorhome. "I told them not to let you come down, I even said it on the - I hope they didn't broadcast my radio but like, it wasn't too weird but you should be resting."

"Mate, I'm fine," Max tries to protest and Lando gives him a very strong Look.

"I know because you've been resting and staying warm, not standing in pit lanes where there's - oh god, there's so many things, what if you catch fire-"

"I'm not going to catch fire-"

"But what if you breathe in oil or something? Fuck. Please stay in the warm? They'll make you anything you want to eat and Andrea knows, he can pull me out of the race if it starts."

Max swallows, as Lando manages to nudge him over the threshold of the McLaren motorhome. "Bob, I'm alright. I just wanted to see you."

Lando swallows, too and maybe they need to talk about whether paddock kissing is something they should work up to, before they bring their baby to a race.

"Just, please? I can't - my head's all over the place and I want you to be safe."

Max pats his arm, then grips Lando's bicep, through his race suit, reminds him he's not that far off the same strength. "Ok, buddy."

"Lando!"

"Oh, fuck." Lando leans his head on the doorframe for a second. "Uh. I'm not sure how I'm gonna explain this."

Max touches his cheek. "You don't have to. Just tell him, he's your friend."

Lando grimaces, then leans over and kisses Max, extremely quickly and half-hidden by his own hand.

"Lando! What the fuck? We have to go to the press conference." Carlos grabs Lando's other arm and for a second Max panics that they're going to have a weird fight over him. Before he realises he can just let go, that Lando ought to go with Carlos.

"Yeah, sorry." Lando closes his eyes, takes a deep breath. "Just, the baby's nearly due and I panicked."

"What?" Carlos' huge eyes make comic confusion look even more ridiculous. "The baby?"

Lando exhales again but more deliberately, like he's grounding himself. "Yeah, come on, I'll tell you on the way."

He slings an arm around Carlos' shoulders, steers him away from Max, before looking back and mouthing "Go inside, I love you."

Carlos gets Kit a 1-2 month old romper in yellow and black. It's not branded but it looks like the Renault suits, when they were both there. Something that's Carlos and Max, not Carlos and Lando. He appreciates it more than he could've expected, so many of the gifts coming from one side.

It takes nearly three months for Kit to grow into it but Max maintains it's ok for babies to be tiny. And it gives him time to fit back into one of his old junior academy shirts so they can match, Kit cuddled against his chest on their sofa during Lando's birthday party.

[spicygambles]

A Study of an Omegaverse Concept I've Only Used Once (so far) and a Comparison With Most of Its Modern Counterparts

Author/s: Gim et al

(I started this last night at like 2am and when I woke up I decided to finish it lmao)

it's uhh way past midnight and... I'm kinda thinking about the omegaverse au we've started with 'bad idea' and how their secondaries aren't necessarily determined by birth... technically.

✨Pheromones✨

Omegas are born with and produce omega pheromones, and Alphas do the same with alpha pheromones. In this though, Betas work more like.. a sponge or an empty pitcher. But then again one of the hallmarks of Omegaverse are the additional characteristics Alphas and Omegas have. Would this mean that technically, everyone has the "secondary traits"? only being amplified if enough of either pheromone is in their body?

Anyways back to the pheromones, does it have a physical form? Like microscopic cells or maybe some weird sort of aura. Do people have a limit of how much they can produce? With Betas, do they have a limit of how much they can store?

That then brings up the means of transmission. How do these pheromones move from one person to another? Well boning is a given, if anything the one place pheromones should be is in bodily fluids but then do they need to bone? Is there someone out there selling like, potions or milkshakes that are guaranteed to make Betas more alpha-like or omega-like? Only temporarily of course, because it's starting to look like 'pheromones' is a consumable resource that can either run out or just fade in time, especially in Betas that don't really produce their own.

Ok so, Alphas and Omegas can give Betas a bunch of their pheromones, and if given enough, they can induce temporary changes to their anatomy. What'll happen if they were given an equal amount of both pheromones? At the same time? (🥴 e-ehem) I'm guessing both secondary traits but at a lesser degree.

But then how would bitching or studding work? It's kind of like... a system override isn't it. If two Omegas in heat were to bone what determines which one gets studded? Is it guaranteed? Maybe not as much for Omegas, higher chances for Alphas though? Hmm. Biologically though, how does it work?

In a bitching scenario if an Alpha was to inject his own pheromones into another Alpha, the "weaker" Alpha's whole biology would shift to produce Omega pheromones to accept the sudden deluge of Alpha ji- pheromones. In studding, it would be the "weaker" Omega's pheromones begging the "stronger" Omega for a compatible pheromone to bond with, thus also altering their biology. So in theory, its like a biochemical response right?

Also, there's a pretty noticable change in demeanor when they've undergone the process isn't there. Like Doc's body language and whatnot. I do think pheromones has something to do with it but the changes in behavior are definitely more apparent in bitching/studding than it is with Betas being filled.

I guess that goes back to the fact that Alphas and Omegas are more sensitive to pheromonal changes than Betas would be? Hmm perhaps.

Conclusion

I should sleep before 2 am because my thoughts get too loopy otherwise.

[doyoujustnotwantto]

hiiiii

its been a while since we've last interacted and we don't know each other very well so im here to change that!!

How are you doing?

Do you like cookies and brownies?

(i wanna give you a nickname any ideas :))

heyy yes! Thanks for coming at meee💓 i honestly have no idea how to start a conversation online. Idk why but I'm way too cautious about everything when it's not in person and when I'm too cautious everything i wanted to say become nothing lol I'm like never mind

I'm doing great! How r u?? I had an exam and it took like 5 hours tho- and i did that without eating! I can't live without snacks so it was an accomplishment i wasn't really willing to accomplish:/

YES! I love baking them too. I tend to bake the exact same thing over and over when i find a recipe that i love. Lately I've been loving big chocolate chip cookies that reminds me of new york:) do u bake or cook?

"SOMEONE HAD SHUT MY COMPUTER DOWN AND I THOUGHT I SAVED MY WORK BUT APPARENTLY THE COMPUTER DIDN'T SO I'VE LOST LIKE A WHOLE ASS CHAPTER." i know it was a couple of days ago but when i read it my heart physically hurt haha did everything go fine after that?? I do journal when I'm feeling it and i write songs sometimes but I've never written a story! It's so cool that u do!!! I really liked what u wrote too💋

I'm terrible at coming up with nicknames- what should i call you? Ppl call u em, don't they?! Should i call u em? I know many nice Emmas, so when i hear the name it naturally gives off good vibes to me😄 My actual name is mihane, it's Japanese and it's weird and hard to pronunce in between English words even for me so i always think of nicknames to go by😭 do u have any ideas? random but I'm sewing sequins onto a top one by one for the eras and it's taking foreverrrr I'm trying to make the top of the blue enchanted dress🥲 i NEED to get it done by the tourrr It's almost 2am and i have school tomorrow so I'll go sleep now but I'll go ask u some questions or do something too<33 ly!

[now-we-say-c0ral]

March 30, 2023

Woke up late. I need to outgrow this habit real soon. Won today's Wordle with 5/6 attempts.

The vibe was off from the start of the day. It's ate Aika's last day at work. She's such a pillar in the unit and it was really apparent that the whole theatre team was saddened. We did a Plastics list together in the morning. Gave her a lot of hugs throughout the shift because I know that seeing her again would be near impossible. We were so busy in the morning that the list ran until 1317H and we started the afternoon list at 1327H. I kind of hate the turn around in Plastics. Made it through the day and finally went home to get freshened up. Went to Chick N Beers with Porcia and Dani and I was kind of sad that Laksmi didn't made it because Robynn was sick. We had such a good time. Old staffs were visiting Aika and it was a bitter sweet exchange of final hugs and kisses to send her off.

Got home around 10pm and gave Eddie a call. I was kind of drunk after 4 Sojus and I felt so bloated after eating about 10 chicken thighs. I know. I was pacing myself so well but couldn't resist the good asian chicken flavour. Got a bit annoying and needy last night during the call with Eddie and he doesn't baby me even when I'm drunk. He does try but it's really not him. I don't know. Something about it doesn't sit right with me but whatever. A relationship's standard should transcend whatever shallow thing I'm thinking but is it really shallow when that's what I want, I would even stretch the thought to saying that that's what I need.

Couldn't sleep. Texted Eddie around 11.30pm and he didn't open my text but tweeted around 12am. How'd I know? I opened my Twitter. Guess he got fed up with me being annoying earlier during the call but got kind of annoyed he didn't open it. It was a choice. Guess I'll just shrug it off and leave it at the back of my mind. I'm tired of thinking about these thoughts. I would love for him to be more present when we're away from each other. Not by a lot but just enough? Do you feel me?

Drank some cetirizine around 2am probably slept around 3am. I just know tomorrow's going to be shit. If I had known that I couldn't sleep I would have gone with the boys and had a fun karaoke night with them.

[heartfucksmouth]

it's 2am. Myles woke up maybe 45 minutes ago to use the bathroom and heard a strange animal noise outside. He said it gave him chills, and, since I didn't hear it, I told him there are birds and night time animals that have weird and sometimes creepy sounding calls.

we spent 30 mins dealing with our emotions re: other situations - bc I'm pregnant and having doubts about life can be pretty normal (though it's been rare so far).

I was near the bedroom door by then bc we had been hugging, when I heard a noise (the same noise he heard) and opened the door. I heard it again and Myles said "that's it! doesn't it sound like one of the dogs?"

I agreed, double checked that Zaiyah was where she had been the whole night (between us in bed, which was actually part of the discussion we were having bc she loves to snuggle hard and sometimes pushes us off) and started heading for the back door. Myles opened the slider and fucking BEAR ran in from the pitch black all worked up. we (also Bear bc he was galloping through the house) woke up Myles parents and apparently his dad had let Bear out half an hour before this and must have forgotten in a sleep stupor and gone back to bed without letting him in.

Bear's cries were the most heartbreaking sound and it's stuck in both of our heads. I just wanna hug that big baby dog. Myles was so angry and upset, and to some people that might seem irrational, but I instantly knew where those feelings came from because I have felt the same way. He felt like he should have immediately checked when he heard it, he felt like he failed Bear, he kept imagining Bear feeling abandoned and related it back to feeling that way as a child. He was angry bc he questions how his parents even survive in the world, and how they managed to raise him... All feelings I experience or have experienced.

I was gonna write more, but I don't have the energy. I know what happened to Bear was an honest mistake, but I don't think the anger and grief we both felt was misplaced either.

And above all, I think people expressing their emotions is the most beautiful thing. I hate that men are made to feel like they can't cry or have emotions. Myles feels very deeply (and was never taught how to cope with it bc his mom is his mom), and I hate to compliment something that should be the baseline or bare minimum, but I have not had much experience with guys being tender and sensitive - not in the capacity he can be. Or, not when I could appreciate it for what it was. Even the thought of him being a dad gives me so much joy bc he is so helpful and attentive and treats me so well, but i have almost no personal experience with a guy being a good dad.

He had apologized for crying and for his anger, and I told him I love all his emotions because they are a part of HIM. Yes, his anger upsets me sometimes, but he talks about it once I engage him.

He's never experienced someone being understanding of him, but we both keep diving headfirst into the experience and it's quite possibly the most divine sensation - I guess that is the true meaning of trust.

[deadblrr]

*Hunger and throwing up content warnings for real owwie and gross*

So turns out my anxiety isn't a thing that just stops me from going outside.

My sister is having a rough time so her (pregnant!) self and her 3 kids are staying over. They're sleeping and generally staying in the front room. Which is fine n dandy, I love my sister a whole bunch and although I don't like children, they overwhelm me easily, I do my best to be nice to them and give hugs and play little games when I go into the front room. Because no matter how much I fucking hate it and the noise and the mess, they're just kids that's what they do and for some god only knows reason they like me and I will NOT punish or upset these kids in any way just because I'm fuckin weird.

Anyways. Our flat (which the landlord might be selling so I might be homeless at some point? Either homeless or the rent goes up. Either way.. Fuck.) is tiny and the kitchen is a little rectangle attached to the front room and it's also fucking messy!

Okay so. Being in a messy place (but apparently only a mess i didn't make??) is rlly stressful and then there's also the kids so I kinda go to the kitchen to feed cat and then book it outta there. I do usually grab a couple packets of crisps or something but that's like not really a lot and also not an actual meal.

But, usually, i get by.

Last night my dad bought me a pizza which is cool because I very much hadn't eaten dinner the day before and also I think I are like some biscuits that day and that was it? But when I went to cook it..

So, our oven is broken and we have one of those little airfryer oven things but the slow cooker was already out on our only bit of kitchen counter and I didn't know where to put it and instead of asking I just.... Went to bed. I really didn't want to be an annoyance for my sister who was trying to sleep or my mum who was just so tired and had the kids sat with her.. And i think my dad was in the toilet but also I'd probably die before asking him for help anyways.

So I'm laying there, like oh ow. Probably should have eaten, huh? And then i start feeling sick. I sleep for a couple hours with myself propped up on plushies to help keep the sick feeling down and that's fine until I wake up at like midnight really in pain and feeling so very very sick. But moving sorta makes it worse. So i slowly sit up and figure alright. Guess that was enough sleep. But the feeling persists and gets worse and by the time I'm like "Oh Shit. I'm actually going to throw up and there's no stopping it" it's too late for me to manage to stand up and get to the bathroom so,,, I just kinda throw up on the floor. (important side note, I'm some kind of neurodivergent [duh] and sleep on the floor w blankets and plushies. So basically i vommed in my bed. Managed to move aside my blanket tho. So glad about that)

So like. Idk? That's obviously not good and I should probably be more worried about my health and making sure that I eat something but A. Sister asleep on frontroom floor, so I can't get a snak, and B... I'm apparently more worried about the inconvenience it'll be to wash my clothes and also the towel i used to mop up the mess.. Like. There's already clothes on the hangers and probably already clothes in the washing machine so idk how?? Idk how I'm supposed to wash my stuff without telling anyone because I CANT tell them because they'll think I'm stupid or my sister will feel bad about it and idk. I think I'd rather just like... Sit in my vommed on trousers and not leave my room before I starve to death.

Bit of an exaggeration but only because I hate being sick and thus if I'm gonna go I'd rather it not be via something that'll make me sick.

Idk. Just. Not fun. And idk why I'm like thisssss ugh. It's 2am so hopefully I can not throw up again before like. 6-7?.... Idk when ppl wake up I usually wake up at like 20 past 8.

[scarletwinterxx]

oh no i'm falling in love again - mark lee scenario

hi! i'm still in a bit of a writer's block hence the slow uploads but I do take note of any requests made, so if you have any just send them to me😊 hope you like this one.

Song inspo: Labyrinth - Taylor Swift

For my other works you can check them out here, and for my other story series’ you can check them out here.

All works are copyrighted ©scarletwinterxx 2022 . Do not repost, re-write without the permission of author.

"I like your long hair"

"Sorry what was that?"

"Huh?" you blinked back at him, acting as if you never said anything. Afraid he heard your words earlier, you just shook your head in response.

"Oh sorry I thought you said something, anyways should we get the waffles with ice cream or cookies with ice cream?" Mark asks you, while his gaze returns to the menu board in front of you

"Cookies and ice cream please" you answer, smiling up at him even though he can't see you. It seems like you can't keep your eyes off of him, and if you keep this going you're going to be in big big trouble.

And that's how you found yourself sitting on the living room couch at 2am in the morning, too lost in your thoughts and a sleepy Taeyong walking out of his room.

Taeyong's soul almost left his body when he finally saw your figure sitting in the middle of the living room this late at night, "Geez, what are you doing sitting out here?"

"Can't sleep"

Taeyong walks to the kitchen to grab what he came out here for, a bottle of water. Grabbing another for you before walking back to the living room to sit beside you.

"Something bothering you?" he asks

"Mark"

Your brother just chuckles at your answer, already having an inkling as to why you're here sleepless over the boy.

"And what about Mark?"

"Has he always been that likeable?" you ask, taking your frustrations out on the bottle cap. Inserting more effort than needed, almost crushing the top of the bottle.

"I mean I guess, he's always been the head boy kinda guy you know. Never turned a homework late, he helps the elderly cross the street. I think he really is spiderman" he jokes, you let out a light laugh

"But I think that's not what you meant with your question, do you perhaps like him?" he adds the question, seeing you whip your head towards him so fast

"Me??? Wha- I - NO" you stuttered, and that was enough of an answer for your brother to understand just what's happening.

"Okay, so you weren't totally thinking about your little hangout today?" he smiles at you, as the big brother he should be saying something along the lines of 'stay away from boys' but he can see how the smile never leaves your face whenever Mark enters the same room as you.

"No, I wasn't. We just got ice cream" you mumbled

"Oh okay, just ice cream"

That was the first time you really really considered you might have feelings for your friend. You brushed it off, sweeping your feelings under the rug.

The second time came in stronger than the first, you almost thought you were going to fold and give in then and there.

It was when you were hanging out with other friends, just talking and catching up. Haechan was telling a story then Mark butts in with a joke only funny to him and apparently to you. It was one of those moments when everyone went quiet while you continued on laughing making everyone turn to you with a mixture of looks.

Karina looks over at you with a confused look, the same as Jeno and Renjun. Haechan looked at you with disbelief on his face, not believing you really think Mark's joke is funny. While Mark was just staring at you, a small smile tugging at the ends of his lips while listening to you giggle from across him.

When you stopped and looked up, everybody was looking at you. Feeling conscious under everyone's gaze, your cheeks feeling warmer and warmer by the second.

"What?" you ask, "Nothing, you just-" Haechan was about to say something when Mark cuts him off

"Anyone wants pizza?" Mark suddenly asks, catching the attention this time. You silently thank him for that. The guys immediately shouting their orders, meanwhile Karina nudges you on the side

"What was that?" she whispers

"Huh? What?"

"That little moment with Mark?"

"What moment?" you asked back, "You were the only one laughing and he was sitting there looking at you like you're the one who hung up the stars in his sky"

"It was funny"

"Is it? Was the joke really funny or are you just in love with Mark?"

Karina's question bounced inside your mind for the next days to come. So many times, many many times you told yourself no. You don't like Mark. He's just a friend.

But then you see him and suddenly it's like your favorite song plays in the background, the sun shines a little brighter, everything feels warm and cozy.

"Hey there you are, I was looking for you" you didn't even notice Mark, too lost in your own thoughts you didn't notice him approach you.

"You were?"

"Yea, want to go grab ice cream? or coffee? You look a bit down" he says, before you could answer though he hold his hand up. Inching closer to you, he then takes the hair that fell on your face tucking it behind your ear with a smile.

And just like that, you knew.

Just like that you realize you're falling in love.

"Earth to Y/N?" he says, tilting his head sideways with a hint of worry in his eyes

"Sorry, I'm just distracted these past few days"

"Penny for your thoughts?" he ask with a crooked smile making you fall a little bit more.

"What do you do when you realize you like someone but you can't tell them?" you ask back

Mark didn't expect that question, wondering who got you thinking like that. Do you like someone? Are you that unsettled with your feelings that you look so stressed about it

He brushes of his own thoughts to focus on you, "Well, I guess I'll just go and tell them. Shoot my shot" he chuckles at the last part knowing full well he's not the one to shoot any shot at all.

"Easy for you to say, everybody likes you" you mumble

"Everybody?" Mark teases you, trying to break the tension

"I mean you know you're easy to like" with each word coming out of your mouth you know you're just digging yourself into a deeper hole

"Am I?" he raises a brow at you, teasing you further

"This conversation is not going anywhere, you're just teasing me now"

"Hey no come back, I was just playing" he holds you back by your wrist, effectively halting your step. He looks up at you with those eyes you always seem to get lost into.

"It's not hard to like especially when it's you. You're kind, responsible, humble. Even your jokes are funny"

That's how Mark knew you liked him. No one will say he's funny, Jisung maybe but only on a good day. This made him realize you're talking about him, fighting back the smile about to break out on his face.

"Only you would think my jokes are funny"

"They are!"

He laughs at your answer, standing up so this time you're the one looking up at him.

"When I like someone, I just want to spent lots of time with them. I would ask her to hang out with me after class, get some ice cream after a long day or walk with her home while she rants about her professor who gave her a B in this exam she studied so hard for. I'd make the stupidest joke even though no one else finds it funny but her because her laugh makes it worth it"

It took a good few moments to get what he was saying, while Mark just waits for you to get there. Smiling fondly at you.

The moment you do get it, he knew

"Oh"

"Yea"

"Oh wow uhm" you can't really find the words to say so he helps you out, giving you the time to collect yourself.

"You don't have to say anything, no rush. I like the way we are right now, and if what I think you're thinking right now is right then that's good. I feel the same way, so don't be too in your head worrying over nothing. It's just me, you can tell me anything"

"Anything"

"Was that a joke?"

"Sorry I was trying to lighten the mood" you say, Mark finding you so adorable he had to stop himself from scooping you up in his arms right now.

"How about we get some ice cream?" he asks you, holding out his hand for you to take. It makes you wonder just how you fell so easily, then you remember who you fell for and every thing made sense.

[glassartpeasants]

That ending was a stab on the heart from beginning to end I'm gonna steal bob 🏃🏾‍♀️

The One That Got Away

Shigaraki x GN!Reader

Warnings: Angst, cheating, death

A/N: Don’t threaten Bob

~~~

The bed felt different after that night.

2 months ago you had caught Shigaraki cheating on you with someone random woman. You stood in the doorway just watching, trying to find the words to say but nothing came out. It’s only when you dropped your groceries and your present to him is when he noticed your presence.

*flashback*

“Shit! (Y/N) it’s not what it looks like-” He tripped over his words. You said nothing as you just looked at him, knowing that no matter how much you loved him that there was nothing that could ever make you forget this.

“Fuck just say something!” You were still silent as you dropped the groceries you were holding. It just wasn’t clicking for you. How could he do this to you? what had you done wrong?

“What did I do wrong?” Your voice seemed to echo throughout the room. Nobody said anything. Until she spoke up.

“Oh my god, Im so sorry! I didn’t know he was taken! Please forgive me.” The girl spoke as she jumped outta bed and started putting her clothes on.

“It’s okay. I forgive you.” Those words spilled from your mouth before you could actually say anything you meant. The girl had hugged you before saying she was so sorry a final time. Flipping off Shiggy on the way out.

“(Y/N)...i promise we can talk about this.” You just kept looking at him. Those eyes seemed to burn into his soul. He doesn’t think you noticed the tears spilling from your eyes. He was about to say something to you but you started to walk towards him. Thinking he was gonna get hit he just stood still before feeling your part of the bed dip.

He turns around to see you laying there, eyes still open with tears rushing down your face, your clothes of the day still on your body.

Shigaraki tried to put his arms around you but you had hit his hands back. and used your feet to push him to the edge of the bed while you laid clung to the wall.

*flashback over*

Thinking back on it you don’t know why you didn’t just walk away. Maybe you were to tired from being busy and running errands for him all day? Did you want it to be a bad dream and hope to walk up to realize nothing ever happened? Whatever the reason was, you weren’t sure but a part of you wishes that you left that night.

Now you sit at the bar, sitting far away from what use to be your boyfriend, not even taking a glimpse of him and he knew it. You just sat in the corner drinking and looking on your phone until a familiar smell approached you. 

“Oh hey Dabi.”

“Hey there (Y/N), why aren’t you hanging out with crusty over there? He keeps staring at you and the tension in here could be cut with a knife. It’s been two months and apparently everyone said i should ask what's going on.”

“Im not going near him at the moment. We’re on a break per say.” this seemed to peak Dabi’s interest as he leaned closer.

“Oh? Did crusty do something?  Your secret's safe with me, i swear on my soul.” What did it matter if you told Dabi? He already doesn’t respect Shigaraki so why not, plus, so what if that fuck didn’t want anyone knowing, he shouldn’t have cheated when everyone else was sleeping in the base.

“Don’t tell anyone I told you but, 2 months ago I caught Shigaraki cheating on me...” You felt small tears prickle the corner of your eyes. Bringing your hand up to your face you rub it away, hoping to ignore the pain that was banging against your chest.

“What a dick, wanna make him pay?” You look up at Dabi who had a huge grin on his face. You thought about it for a good few seconds before shaking each others hand.

“Once Shigaraki goes out on that mission today, we’ll talk more.” Dabi said before getting up from his seat and grabbing a drink from the bar.

You didn’t know what Dabi had planned but you hoped it would bring Shigaraki the same pain you felt that fateful night 2 months ago.

~~~

You sat on the ground in Dabi’s room as he paced back in forth, coming up with revenge plans. All of them sucked or ended up with you guys might going to Jail.

“New plan, everytime Shigaraki wants to hang out tell him you had plans with me and leave the room. You can go somewhere and i’ll go somewhere with you. Effectively ditching him.” Thinking, you try to come up with all the pros and cons this proposal Dabi shared with you. But soon your hurt over ruled the logical side of you and you agreed to it not a moment later.

“Great! Now all we need is for Shigaraki to ask to hang out with you. Don’t know how long that’ll take though...”

“I usually ignore him after what happened but sometimes he asks to hang out with me whenever its a slow day at the base or if he’s bored.”

“ Well guess we have to wait tell then huh?” Nodding your head, you get up before putting a thumbs up in his direction. You walked out of his room and see Shigaraki sitting at the bar. He must have finished his mission early. You rolled your eyes before sitting on the other side of the bar counter. You could feel shigaraki look at you through father.

“Hey....”

“.....”

“Look im sorry, a-and i know that doesn’t excuse what I did but please-” You got up before he could finishing his sentence as you walked towards your shared bedroom. Going in there use to give you comfort but now everytime you step into that room you see that fateful night over and over again.

You sat on the bed before hearing Shigaraki’s footsteps coming towards the room. Furrowing your brows, you ignore him as you put your shoes on. You needed a little bit of fresh air so you were planning on going to the local park to relax a bit. You weren’t a villain like the rest of them, you were just a simple civilian. Not that you minded really. It was peaceful not fearing for your life everyday and having the fear of failure not on your shoulders.

You didn’t really have a quirk so you just ignored the questions when people asked you if you had one. 

“Can I talk to you?” You were dragged back to reality when Shigaraki’s voice rang through your ears. Annoyed you just answered hoping that the conversation would be short. 

“What do you want?” You voice was snappy and you could feel the venom dripping from it.

“I understand that your mad. And you have every right to be but your not even giving me a chance to redeem myself and-”

“Redeem yourself? Why the hell would I do that? YOU cheated on ME. LIke hell im gonna forgive you so easily.”

“It’s been two months! What happened was in the past!”

“It was in the past my ass. How would you like it to see your lover in bed with another?!”

“I-”

“I felt like my soul died that day. I thought I was your only one! Only to find out that you slept with her! Was she a one time thing or were there more hookups?!” You stood up from the bed as your fists turned white and your anger slowly erupting.

“.....”

“TELL ME DAMNIT!”

“Three...there were three different occasions...” Now the tears were kicking in. You were hoping that it wasn’t true. What if there was more and he was only saying three just to ease your heart?

“Why? Why would you do this to me? What did I do to deserve this?” Your questions were like knives stabbing into Shigaraki’s heart. He wanted to tell you the truth, but he didn’t want your heart to hurt more than it already was.

“Im not going to ask again Shigaraki. You either tell me the truth or I will walk out of this base and never come back.”

“The...the first time it was a drunk accident, the second time Dabi had brought her to the base and one thing led to another. The last one was the same as the second one.”

“Did...did Dabi know about the affair?” You were begging, no pleading for him not to have known. You didn’t know if your heart could take it.

“Yes...” That was it. That was the thing that broke you. Walking up to Shigaraki you pushed past him before flipping him off and saying one final line.

“I would rather die that ever be with you again.” And with that, you left the hideout. You speed walked through the alleys to get to you parked your car. Your friends house was pretty far and you didn’t feel like walking in the dead of night were criminal activity was more active. 

Getting in your car, you turn on the radio and start breaking down. Your tears were blurring your eyesight as you put the car in drive. 

The streets weren’t busy except for the occasion car with some college students. Or drunk people walking along the sidewalk. The sound of the radio blasting songs that were supposed to be happy barley brightened up your mood as you drove down the dark highways.

All of a sudden a bright light hit your eyes from the right side. Some fuck must have had their brights on. But you had the right away so you went. All of a sudden a huge crash rang through your ears and the world became dark.

~~~

A ring came from Shigaraki’s phone. Looking at the clock he noticed it to be 2am. Annoyed he just decided to answer it.

“Hello, this is (hospital name). You were listed under a emergency contact for (Y/N) (L/N).” Shigaraki jolted awake as his hands reached his neck, standing up and already begun to pace the floor of his room.

“Yes did something happen?!”

“At 12am tonight miss (Y/N) was in a car crash. A hit and run to be exact. Their car was totalled after it rolled about 3 times from the speed that the driver hit them. A bystander of the accident called 119. They were in need of surgery immediately once paramedics noticed that they were crushed and bleeding out quickly due to a shard of glass that was stabbed in their chest.”

“Are they okay?!” The doctor on the other end went silent.

“Im deeply sorry for your lost sir. They died during surgery trying to remove the glass that was lodged in their skin. The police are on the look for the suspect. if you wish to see them were on (blank street). Once again, im sorry for your loss. Goodnight sir.” The phone went silent as the doctor hung up. 

Everything seemed to stop as the feared villain feel to his knees. Tears fell from his eyes as his body shook. He realized that now it was impossible to even try. And the last words you had ever said were ‘ you’d rather die than ever be with him again.’ Crying into his hands as his tears made a puddle on the floor.

I guess you took your words seriously.

[xpeachesncream]

perfectly wrong | one

summary: there were rules that had to be followed: no one could know about you two, there was no ‘getting to know each other,’ and there was absolutely no emotional attachment allowed. if this could be done, there should be no complications. but somehow, the rules always get bended.

pairing: reader x fuckboy!kth

genre: college au | fluff, angst, smut

words: 2301

chapter warnings: cussing, mature language, very slight angst, some hints of jealousy, alcohol consumption

notes: pls remember that this is set a few months after you and tae have been going at it, so it will seem like things are happening a bit fast. i’m not trying to prolong this series. also most importantly, i tend to usually write shorter chapters > shorter, but more chapters published. enjoy!

> series masterlist <

Jungkook decided he was going to see if he could jump over your couch and land perfectly in a seated position.

"Wait, wait, wait. Absolute silence everybody." He says as he's stretched over, trying to estimate the timing and height of his jump. He had always been super athletic and competitive since you two were small, so there was really no changing his mind on this. He always had to prove something, even if that meant creating his own competition of jumping over the couch.

"It's just me and you." You watched him from the kitchen, making sure the pizza in the oven was baking properly.

"I have an audience, okay? Don't be rude, Y/N." He says as he points over to the fake audience clapping and laughing during a 'Friends' episode.

"Whatever, as long as you don't go breaking my shit, Jeon Jungkook." He was 22, but his mentality was 8. That was for damn sure.

"Siiiiiiilence." He says at a whisper, his eyes shut as he puts a finger to his mouth. He lets out a huff and a puff before he gets the courage to throw himself over the couch and land a perfect landing. "And once again, he sticks the landing!" He stands up with his hands up in the air.

"You're annoying." You laughed, getting paper plates ready for the pizza that was about to be done because you were in no mood to do any dishes tonight.

"Thank you! I'll be here again tomorrow, same time." He calls out to his fake audience.

"No the hell you're not."

"Ouch, nevermind. Someone apparently doesn't want me here." You laugh at how dramatic he is. At this point, you just let him be because that was something you always loved about your bestfriend. He embraced the kid in him and always brought good times. You had similarities, but you also had some major differences. You liked being in your comfort zone & you were labeled the innocent nerd amongst your friends. You just like to consider yourself simple, though. A 'take it day by day' kind of person. Kookie was fun, adventurous and childish at times. He was also shy, but loud at the same time? An introverted extrovert, you could say.

But you loved each other nonetheless, that's why you've clicked so well since you were young. You taught each other things & grew together.

"Here, fool." You placed the pizza in front of him with the paper plates.

"Set it up, I'll grab us the drinks. You want anything in particular?"

"That bottle of Stella Rosa, please." JK knew you loved that Stella Rosa, so he happily grabs the bottle and two wine glasses. He plops back next to you on the couch, pouring your glasses and grabbing a heaping serving of 4 slices of pizza.

You both decided you want a good laugh, so you throw on Kevin Hart's newest installment: Zero Fucks Given. It isn't long before you both are rolling on the floor, almost gasping for air at how much you're laughing at Kevin Hart's stand up. The pizza is gone, the wine is gone, and you're still feeling pretty tipsy. The whole thing sounds nice, until your head starts to wonder what Taehyung is doing and if he'll text you to come over tonight. You know he probably already has plans with another chick though, and that hits you.

Curse this fucking alcohol.

Let's get this straight - the only time you 'talk' is when he's trying to fuck.

And yes bitch, you let him do this to you. You're out that door before you can even fully slip your shoes on. Dick is just that good. It's something about Taehyung that makes you addicted. The way he gives you a stupid ass smirk when he opens his door, the way he touches your skin and gently lays his shit on you until you both become really invested in the moment. So invested that shit hits the roof. It gets messy. It gets rough. It becomes unspeakable.

You aren't friends. No one knows about you two, or that you even know the other exists. You don't know shit about each other. The only thing you know is that he's fucking other girls. He has a whole roster, you'd imagine - a starting five, at least.

He doesn't care about you, and for the most part, you don't either. At least, that's what you like to portray because it's been some months now since this whole thing started and you can't help but feel some kind of emotional tie to him. You're leaving your house between 12-2am in the morning and sleeping in his bed until 6-7am. It's a routine; a routine you've become used to. You skip out on some late night kick-its with your friends cause you anticipate a text to come through from him.

But, he doesn't care. You aren't the only female slipping into those sheets, and boy does it fucking make it hard to swallow. Reality hits hard when you think about it and you feel this huge pit in your stomach. You try to be different, you try to stand out one way or another. But it doesn't work that way. You knew what this entailed going into it, so it makes zero sense as to why you're hurting and getting jealous from time to time.

You know it still doesn't matter to him.

He's only fucking you over cause you let him. You know damn well you're not gonna change and let this go, though. You love thrill of it too much. It's the most thrill your life has had. You're not perfect and you're only human. You make mistakes, but this one definitely puts the cherry on top. Because not only do you refuse to learn, but you let it repeat itself over and over again.

"Aishhhh, my stomach hurts from laughing too much." Jungkook laid his head back and patted his belly. "But that was good though. I needed that."

"Yeah it was. Thanks for coming by to watch that with me, Kook." He tilts his head over to look at you and smiles.

"Sure thing." He checks his phone and sits up. "Yoongi is blowing up the group chat." You check your phone to see multiple unread messages from none other than Min Yoongi himself.

[yoongi] 10:37pm: aye

[yoongi] 10:45pm: all of a sudden, everyone is ghost in this group chat?! you all had a lot to say not too long ago.

[yoongi] 10:52pm: even though you guys are fake as fuck, does anyone wanna come with me to the bars tonight? meet at my place so we can head out.

You and Jungkook laughed at how butthurt Yoongi was in the groupchat. Yoongi definitely was the most serious and blunt one in your group, but he still liked to party and have a good time. It was just how he was. Hoseok was always full of energy and probably the most extroverted one out of all 4 of you. He was never shy. You and Jungkook met Yoongi and Hoseok your first year in college and became inseparable ever since. You all just click with your different attributes.

[jungkook] 10:53pm: lmaoooooooo

[yoongi] 10:53pm: fuck you dude lol

[jungkook] 10:54pm: i'll come through in a sec, i'm at y/n's right now. not sure if she's gonna come though?

[y/n] 10:55pm: i'll pass, i'm tired and wined out.

[hoseok] 10:55pm: ahahahah yoongi shut up, blowing up my phone for no reason. i'm passing on tonight too. im tired from working that overtime *cries*

[yoongi] 10:56pm: you both are boring. i'm especially offended at how i didn't get an invite to your little powwow, y/n. and now you don't wanna hang out?

[hoseok] 10:57pm: she mentioned she was going to watch kevin hart's thing yesterday and offered us to swing by if we wanted to though....... selective hearing, maybe?

[y/n] 10:58pm: ^ okayyyyy and that's on period! thank you hobi <3

[hoseok] 10:59pm: anything for the baby

[yoongi] 10:59pm: lmao you're a brat, y/n. whatever, i'm still hurt by you both! kook, hurry on over so we can drink

"Fuck I regret this, I'm gonna die." Jungkook laughed as he stood up and stretched. He quickly helped you clean up before he figured it was time to go or else Yoongi would have a fit.

"I feel like it has to do with that one girl he's been talking to on and off."

"Perhaps." Jungkook shrugged before putting on his shoes. "We shall see." he sighs before giving you a tight hug. "You sure you don't wanna come out?"

"Nope."

"You don't even have plans tonight."

"Yes I do."

"Doing what?"

"Laying in bed." Jungkook snorted as you shook your head and shrugged. What else did he think you were trying to do? He should know you by now, at the very least.

"Alright, I'm not even going to argue. I'm off."

"Be safe, have fun, text me if you both need anything, okay?" He nods as he shuts the door, leaving you to your lonesome. You swirled the teeny tiny drop of wine leftover in your glass around before picking up your phone.

No new texts. Well, let's be specific: no new texts from taehyung.

You did forget to respond to your oldest cousin though, when he was just trying to check up on you.

[seokjin] 8:35pm: pssst y/n

[seokjin] 8:35pm: psssssssssst

[seokjin] 8:35pm: oyyyyyyyyyy

He was damn near 30 years old and hated talking on the phone so much that he decides to blow up your phone this way. But, he was the cousin you loved dearly and you had a very tight, sibling-like relationship with him. He was like the older brother you've always wanted. He watched you grow, protected you, kept you safe, supported you and cheered you on - especially when your family talked so much shit about how you and him weren't gonna get anywhere with your goals. You know, the fucking stupid ol' saying of 'chasing your passion isn't going to bring you money & wealth.' Your family was all about the titles and money, but Jin was passionate about cooking and wanted to open his own cafe. You, on the other hand, wanted to pursue your art. Jin was the biggest role model for you because he was the first to defy your family's wants and wishes. He was the black sheep of the family with a huge 'I don't give a fuck' mentality and he taught you that along the way.

Don't ever be afraid to do what you're passionate about. Fuck 'em.

[y/n] 11:13pm: hi sorry, jungkook was over and we were watching kevin hart's new thing on netflix over some wine and pizza.

[seokjin] 11:15pm: that sounds fun! sorry, i just wanted to check on you but i see you're doing okay lol

[y/n] 11:16pm: i am. :) i'll hang out with you tomorrow

[seokjin] 11:16pm: how sweet, my freeloading baby cousin is coming by

[y/n] 11:17pm: hahahah shut up! although you're not wrong, i am going to steal some food. but most importantly, i do want to hang out and see my bestest oppa <3

[seokjin] 11:18pm: awww y/n, you're so full of shit <3

[seokjin] 11:18pm: go to bed

[y/n] 11:19pm: haha love you tooooo

And so, that's what you did. You got yourself all ready for bed, believing you wouldn't be leaving your house tonight. You pampered yourself, put on a face mask and got yourself all lathered up in lotion just to lay down. You're in Jungkook's shirt that he left behind (and never looked for, so technically it's yours now) when the guys had stayed the night and some Vicky Secret panties.

You're scrolling through your Instagram feed, seeing Jungkook's newly posted story with him and Yoongi already at the bars, acting a damn fool. You laughed at the video he took of Yoongi trying to dance in a tight, awkward space on the crowded dance floor even though he was never the best at dancing. It lowkey made you wish you went out with them so you wouldn't be stuck here thinking about your feelings and how lonely these hours get.

And then you see Jimin's story from an hour ago. He knew you were friends with Yoongi, and although Yoongi wasn't fond of their group too much, he was still an avid party-goer and mingled with people there. You've only spoken to Jimin once because you had to work with him in the same group on a class assignment. You tried to keep it that way though because he was Taehyung's bestfriend. They went everywhere together, did everything together. He, too, was very popular among the ladies and across campus. I guess it was just their thing.

You assume they were at a party cause Jimin quickly flashes the camera at Taehyung, who's in front of him getting a lapdance from some chick. Jimin quickly turns the camera back to his face as he's laughing uncontrollably then abruptly cuts it off.

Great.

She's forsure going home with him tonight.

You set your phone down on the night stand and put on a show on your laptop to help you fall asleep.

Just as you're about to get some shut eye, your phone vibrates. You let it slip at first because you thought it could be one of the guys playing around, but it vibrates again, signaling another text coming through. You pick up your phone just to make sure Yoongi and Jungkook aren't in any trouble and need you to bail their asses out.

[taehyung] 12:17am: hey

[taehyung] 12:20am: come over.

You scoff at how he assumes you're still up and that you'd be coming over. You hated that. He knew he just had your ass.

track two: hit different - sza & ty dolla $ign

[generous1ty]

Hi! Can I request the #31 angst prompt with Hajime and with she or they prounouns? I'm a sucker for angst lol <D

hihi!

aaaasgsjdkkd i am also a sucker for angst and love producing it-- and you chose Hajime so this is going to hurt. :)

update on the Prompt Event: sadly, i couldn’t get all the requests done today(i was busy getting the house ready to move). but, i’ll be slowly working on them until they’re done! apologies to anyone sending requests, as i’m currently prioritizing prompt requests right now.

thank you for requesting! lots of love. </3

✑         ✑         ✑         ✑         ✑         ✑         ✑         ✑         ✑         ✑

Bullet to the Heart

Angst Prompt 31 with Hajime!

link to the prompt list!

genre: comfort angst warnings: swearing, yelling, affair/cheating accusations, just angst in general </3 word count: 1.5k

◇         ◆         ◇         ◆        ◇         ◆         ◇         ◆         ◇         ◆         ◇

the house you stayed in felt more like a “living space” than a “home”.

Hajime Hinata was partially the reason why things were so different; late nights out, drinking with friends, the silent treatments, the cold shoulders... but even so, you could hardly complain-- avoiding any contact with him, leaving packaged foods you cooked on the table, locking yourself in a different room than the one you both slept in.

it was so different from when you both first moved into the house.

you could reminisce about the times when you were both deeply in love-- trying so desperately to make things work, even though the odds were against you both. you could remember his smile, the way he’d longingly stare at you and reach for your hand, whispering in your ear,

“we will make a future for ourselves.”

oh, how you wished those words still played now.

currently, you and your partner were at the dining table, eating in silence. it had been days since you had last talked-- you don’t even remember the last conversation you had.

despite how rough things were, he had still decided to come home early. it was definitely a good thing, right? improvement in your relationship, a sign that he wanted things to get better, right?

Hajime’s pale-green eyes had looked at you, his hardened stare softening at just the sight of you. he had missed you, but was going through things all wrong-- he knew that. he knew that yet his actions still continued-

why was he doing this? he’d often ask himself that. was he looking for excitement? adrenaline? the rush he had felt back in college? he had settled down with you, but things just never felt right anymore.

his frown was apparent-- not that you noticed-- and he had swallowed his food to speak, “i... decided to come home earlier today.”

god damn it, Hajime.

his act of communication had startled you, but your gaze did not meet his, “yeah...”

talking to him seemed hard now. although you longed for his touch, his voice, the loving stare he’d give you even if you were doing nothing, you couldn’t even manage talking to him-- something you’ve wanted to do for so long.

“....i’ve been stalling at work, lately. i’m currently picking up coding to manage online affairs,” he continued, trying to ease the unnecessary tension and get a conversation going.

you peeked up at him, finally looking him in the eyes, “coding..?” you had managed to push out, “isn’t it complicated?”

you had given a soft chuckle, something he missed hearing. his mouth perked up into a small smile, happy to contribute to the discussion.

“it is,” he admitted, feeling comfortable to complain and expose a weaker side to you that he hadn’t been able to do in a long, long time, “it makes my head pound most of the time.”

ah, his smile. it had widened as he talked, and made your heart flutter uncontrollably. yes, this was it. this was what you needed. a heart-to-heart, a simple talk.

the smile that had made its way on to your face had subtly died down, sighing, “...what went wrong? why are we like this now, Hajime?”

your focus had been on your hands, gently cupping the empty plate in front of you. what had gone wrong? what in the world happened that you felt the need to isolate yourself from him? ignore him? avoid him? why did you feel like this interaction would be the only conversation you’d have with him until the routine started over again?

“i... don’t know,” his voice had interrupted your thoughts, painfully reminding you that you had initiated this conversation. whatever happened next was your fault, “but, why don’t you know? you’ve been contributing to this-- this stupid charade ever since it started!”

your eyes squinted, brows furrowing, “what-- what the hell, Hajime?! if you hadn’t started drinking with your coworkers or going out at night without me knowing, maybe i’d feel more comfortable around you!”

you just raised you voice at him-- you just raised your voice at him. you hadn’t done that before.

your heart beat loudly in your chest, hands trembling as your vision started to blur. what? what? was this your fault?

“you never even came to check up on me, where else am i supposed to go?!” he raised his voice, throat burning from the friction.

he never once though that he needed to-- not around you, at least. why was he yelling? why did he feel hurt?

“fuck, [Y/n]! how do you expect me to talk to you when you’re never there for me?!” he stood up, the chair behind him screeching against the marble floor, “i obviously needed to go somewhere else, right?”

you grit your teeth, letting out a shaky breath, “how is this my fault?! if you had just talked to me then maybe things would have been alright-- but now we’re in deep shit because your actions-- not mine!”

Hajime made a sharp inhale, his heart practically jumping out of his chest. him? this wasn’t because of him, was it? his actions, things he did-- it couldn’t have been just him, it was-

“if i’m so unbearable and uncomfortable, maybe you should just go to your mistress-- fuck her until 2am, why don’t you?” your voice trembled with your hands, standing from your seat and leaving the kitchen.

the room, you needed to go to the room. you promised yourself you’d bring that up when you both were better. you promised that you’d talk about it in full detail once you and Hajime had fixed things. not now. not now.

“what--” Hajime’s eyes had peered at your back-- and you could feel it.

was he glaring at you? angry that you had found out about him and his affair? was he balling his fists in anger, waiting to blame it on you as well?

“you heard me,” you growled, “if i’m so hard to deal with, just move out an-and live with the woman you’ve been so intimate with every fucking weekend!” you couldn’t help the stutter in your voice, your breathing so erratic that it hurt your chest.

you couldn’t stop the tears that dropped down your cheeks-- almost as much as when you found the shirt with someone’s perfume and smudged lipstick on the collar.

it hurt. it hurt knowing the man you moved in with to start something amazing had suddenly found something amazing with someone else-- behind your back, at that.

"look me in the eyes and repeat what you just said." his voice rumbled, your eyes that avoided his gaze had finally looked at your lover, eyes shut as if he were thinking, “go on, i’ll listen.”

“the woman you’ve been sleeping with,” you repeated, “just go live with her since i’m so despicable.” you muffled the sob that threatened to spill out, stuck on the stairs because of this conversation.

as he opened his eyes and started to walk towards you, your heart had dropped.

was he going to pack his things? was he finally leaving? you were so surprised he dealt with you for so long-- so if what you were thinking of was really what he was going to do, you couldn’t help but agree.

but instead, his arms wrapped around you; tight, loving, longingly. he was upset, you could feel it in his embrace. but, he still loved you. despite your harmful words, your accusations, he was holding you as if you were leaving-- not him.

he let out a shaky breath, “i don’t have a mistress.”

“but-”

“that night, this woman from my company tried to hit on me-- she was really close to me that night and tried to initiate something by kissing my neck. we didn’t do anything, i stopped her before she could touch me anywhere else,” he sounded so sure, his hold on you tightening, “i promise this is the truth-- so please... if i don’t leave, please don’t go.”

you both had fallen on to the floor beneath you, arms around each other, thankful for the other’s embrace.

you had never felt such anxiety-- such shock before that night, and you never wanted to experience it again. you were apologetic for avoiding him, accusing him, belittling him. you had never once thought of listening to him or greeting him to see what was wrong. you had been wallowing in your own self-pity that it was embarrassing, but he felt the same.

it was heartbreaking you’d accuse him of something that shallow, but he couldn’t blame you. he was wrong for not talking to you and taking another way out, simply going out to drink and letting the alcohol carry his worries away. he was sorry for going out and coming home late, leaving without notice, drowning himself in self-pity as well.

you both weren’t perfect, that was a fact. you were both human, imperfections that still needed to grow and make decisions. those decisions will be hard, and it’ll feel as if you’d be backed away into a corner.

but at least you wouldn’t do it alone anymore.

[aros001]

Going in blind: Watching season 2 for the first time. Random thoughts.

Huh. Only 7 episodes. Not complaining necessarily. For series with an ongoing plot I've definitely become more in favor with their seasons only having as many episodes as they need rather than them having to stretch themselves out to full up a certain number of episodes, which can lead to padding and just bad character moments.

Episode 1: Jeez. Catra visiting Shadow Weaver's cell just to rub her success in her face and verbally abuse her back for once. It's like a twisted version of Zuko and Ozai from ATLA. Catra's upbringing under her was abusive but this is far from a healthy way for her to deal with it. She's basically deliberately swimming in her resentment.

Episode 2: It's not that I'm rooting for her but by-golly was it fun to watch Catra act like just the absolute worst she could while she was Glimmer and Bow's captive.

I touched on this in season 1 but part of the drama of the heroes feeling guilt over leaving Entrapta behind is kind of lost on me a bit simply because it was her own fault it happened. She deliberately went back into the purge room because of her machine obsession, which then closed on her and erupted in flames. It was more than reasonable to assume she was dead and no one but her was to blame, so I'm not really able to be invested in their guilt over it.

That said, weirdly enough I do like that her "abandonment" doesn't seem to be even a blip on the radar for Entrapta herself. She hasn't joined the horde because she resents the heroes or felt left behind, she simply is so obsessed with machines and experimentation that she'll be on the side of whoever lets her do the most of that. Like, it's selfish and irresponsible but it's very in-character and I'd far rather have a traitor motivation be based in that over something stupid like a misunderstanding.

Episode 3: I love the mental image of Shadow Weaver thinking up princess-themed ghost stories to tell Adora as a child.

So, if the previous She-Ra Mara separated Eternia from the other realms/planets/whatever she did and that's what cut off the She-Ra line for 1000 years, I'm guessing Hordak may be from the time before that happened, thus his drive to create portals and calling Eternia a backwards world. Either he's naturally long-lived or his technology is extending his life.

Episode 4: You know, you could maybe argue it was vague enough that it could be taken other ways but I'm definitely getting some vibes here that Scorpia is crushing on Catra. She literally refers to the two of them as soulmates at one point. I know she says she's trying to be friends but this feels a level beyond that.

Fun little reference to the original She-Ra cartoon thrown in there (and maybe Cowboy Bebop...? James Bond...? What was Glimmer's art style supposed to be?). I like how it is more like just playful ribbing than anything outright dumping on the original. Again, I've never seen original She-Ra but whenever remakes/adaptations go out of their way to trash to the original I always kind of wonder why they bothered doing an adaptation if the original is just that bad? Also, I was having trouble sleeping so it was about 2am when I watched this episode and the very Eartha Kitt Catwoman Catra made it very difficult for me not to lose my **** and stay quiet. With how much of a contrast that version is from the one in this series, that was hilarious. Bonus note, it's a nice touch that Frosta's version of Catra is a pretty crasher in that sweet suit, since that's the only impression of Catra she's ever had.

Adora being a chosen one is definitely elevated up simply by how much the pressure of what she's supposed to be is getting to her. I'm likely going to keep making Avatar The Last Airbender comparisons throughout the series but that's partly because I went into this series figuring it'd be at least structured similar to ATLA (season 1 being more episodic and a little more kid-friendly as it builds up the world before getting more serious later). Adora and Aang are interesting to compare here. Aang's worries early on were less apparent because he was more in-denial/choosing not to think about his problems that much, which fit with his character as a free-spirited Air Nomad. While Adora is much more military-minded. She can't keep herself from thinking about her problems and trying to prepare for the worst-case scenario. And jeez, that idea of who/how Catra is in her mind. Not only beating her but making her watch as she takes everything she cares about away. Not Shadow Weaver, not Lord Hordak, but Catra. That whole Lion King Mufasa/Scar moment between them in episode 11 and their fight in the S1 finale really did a number on her mental image of her old friend. Not reasonably so.

Minor note: I'm sure I'm the only one who got this impression but by the look of it, the way the robot's eye moved, and the music, after getting the soda spilled on it that little spybot gained sentience for half a second and then immediately died. It was so darkly comedic I had to laugh.

Episode 5: So that red disc is basically She-Ra's Red Kryptonite, having an effect on the mind rather than the body. The drunk Adora joke doesn't really do it for me but it did get some nice interactions going between Scorpia and Sea Hawk, two characters I certainly wasn't expecting to bond. I did really like Catra's panic when berserker She-Ra nearly beheads her. The implication is that is Adora really wanted to kill her Catra would already probably be dead. It's a thing I like about powerhouse characters like Superman or Aang, who could just demolish everything around them and don't simply because they're a good person...which in turn makes them the scariest person on the planet when they're well and truly ticked off. I'm not going to lie, I do kind of want to see a She-Ra version of Aang when Appa was stolen or when Superman fought The Elite.

Also, Catra's line of "I have control over Adora. I'm not giving that up for anything.". There's a lot to read into there.

Episode 6: I guess my prediction was sort of right. Shadow Weaver became basically a magic parasite and while it did increase the power she's capable of the implication seems to be that she needs a constant fix of magic to keep herself going, thus her attachment to the Black Garnet.

Have we seen Micah before? Given how long ago the flashback seems set, the fact that Shadow Weaver didn't kill him and thus he probably becomes someone important later in life, I'm guessing he's Glimmer's dad and the queen's late husband, since I think he's the only important male character whose face we haven't seen yet. Also, he's voice by Ezra from Star Wars Rebels and that cracks me up for some reason. It's the exact same voice and a relatively similar character.

I compared Catra and Shadow Weaver with a kind of twisted version of Zuko and Ozai and that definitely still fits here. Both Catra and Zuko confront their parent and call them out for the inexcusable abuse they put them through but while that moment was the start of Zuko's upwards journey this and SW's betrayal seems like it's going to cause Catra to spiral even further. Makes sense why Adora leaving affected her so much. She's probably the only one Catra's ever had that she could consistently trust and rely on, even if she did somewhat resent her.

Not surprised Hordak is getting along with Entrapta. She's not socially aware enough to be scared or intimidated by him, so she'll speak frankly, and since all she wants to talk about is the machines, experiments, and how they could get them to work Hordak probably doesn't take much issue with that. She's producing results, which is what he cares about, thus also why Shadow Weaver and Catra started losing favor with him. I wonder if Catra is going through imposter syndrome? Shadow Weaver had that line that Entrapta earned her place next to Hordak and, if you think about it, Catra hasn't really "earned" anything. We saw that she didn't really take her training or studies that seriously, showing up late to combat practice and even getting partial credit for what Adora beat. She wasn't promoted to Force Captain because of her own abilities but because Adora had defected when she was supposed to get that title. She's come close to a few victories but never really had any except for Glimmer and Bow's kidnapping...whom she then basically let escape when she returned Adora's sword to her. She doesn't have the slightest clue how the horde's bureaucracy works when trying to get things done, like simply getting troops armor. Given how much better than her Adora always was and how little she herself has to her name, I wonder is subconsciously Catra believes she doesn't deserve her current position and thus why she's fretting so much over trying to prove herself.

Episode 7: Am I mistaken or did Bow's parents say that he's the youngest of TWELVE siblings? I was going to ask whether Bow was adopted or if his dad's used a surrogate or if maybe there's even just simply magic in She-Ra's world that allows two people of the same sex to have a child together but now I'm just focused on the 12 kids thing. I get nervous just imagining myself having more than one. You should see me when I'm with two cats. I have to pet both of them because I'd feel like I'd be making one feel left out and like the other is the favorite. I'm a mess with kids.

The dad with dreadlocks (Lance?), his design looked familiar to me and I finally realized it reminded me a of a fanart design for a human Grim from The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy. Very different voices between those two characters though.

I wonder if there's any significance to the robot protecting the crystal having the same design as those in the artic in episode 5? Obviously both have the connection to the First Ones but the robot in the forest who was also protecting First Ones' tech had a more insect-like design over these more worm/Graboid ones.

I'm kind of curious what Hordak would have done if Catra had told the truth. Given his interactions with her and Shadow Weaver he doesn't seem like the time to tolerate failure but I suppose the implication here is that he at least would respect those who own up to their failures. Or I suppose more simply he was just testing to see if she would lie to him and since she did there's little merit in keeping her in a position of authority anymore where she could lie about important things again.

Season 2 verdict: Still enjoying it. Another person on this reddit recommended I view seasons 2 and 3 as one since they are basically just one season split in two. I was going to do that but this ended up longer than I thought I would, so I'll just do 2 and 3 separate to keep them semi-organized and easier to read.

I think overall Catra is my favorite character since she has the most interesting backstory, interactions, and just general path through the story out of everyone. She's like Pearl from Steven Universe or, well, Zuko. There's just so much baggage there that she's trying and kind of failing to deal with. I'm always invested in whatever's happening when she's onscreen. Hordak so far is a good big boss villain for Adora to face but Catra is a good archenemy for her.

Original Reddit post: https://www.reddit.com/r/PrincessesOfPower/comments/o027y3/going_in_blind_watching_season_2_for_the_first/

[madamewriterofwrongs]

I see a lot of Buck and May fics, but how about Buck and Henry? And Eddie and Maddie never got enough love. Or Eddie and Athena. Heck, even Eddie and Chimney. I'm starting to ramble so I'm just gonna go. 😘

Never stop talking about all the friendships on the show. 

This involved neither May nor Harry (I may write one later), but it does involve a bunch of FireFam goodness so I hope you enjoy <3

“Do you ever feel like we’re spending our lives babysitting a bunch of rowdy teenagers?”

Bobby looked up from his place at the kitchen sink when his wife walked in to the dining room, face firmly in her phone.

“Every day.” Curiosity got the better of him, so he made his way to Athena’s side, drying his hands as he leaned over her shoulder. “The kids having too much of a good time?”

She snorted, tilting the screen for her husband to see. “Do you know what this text says?”

Eiddjr and i aren fettj t martine brjnt shors

Bobby barely resisted the urge to roll his eyes at the text from Karen. The kids were definitely having too much fun. It was almost time to call it quits.

“It looks Norse.” He shrugged. “Maybe they ended up at a Viking bar?”

He was very used to Athena’s confused, judgemental looks, but he never felt any better when they were aimed in his direction.

“What the hell is a Viking bar?”

He had no answer (and apparently his impression of a stereotypical Viking helmet made with embarrassed hands, wasn’t enough of an explanation) but he was saved by his own phone chiming with a new text.

Buck’s text message was at least a page long; but at least it was coherent.

“It’s definitely time to pick up the kids.” He had never seen so many ‘you are’ statements at once. Apparently, someone was feeling the love tonight. Not that it was much of a surprise; they all deserved a night off – it was the whole reason Bobby and Athena were still awake at 2am when they would much rather be in bed. Their gift to Buck and Eddie was to let them be wild and irresponsible for one night, and they would pick them up when it was time to come home and sleep it off (he’d foolishly offered to make breakfast in the morning as well, which earned him a slap on the shoulder from Athena who did not enjoy the idea of hosting a sleepover with six drunk adults).

Eddie had taken a little convincing when it came to their plan, sure that he could control himself and wouldn’t go over the top the way his fiancé would.

Photo evidence throughout the evening suggested otherwise – but those wouldn’t be discovered until the next morning.

At the moment, Eddie was sandwiched between Maddie and Karen, each matching him shot for shot, enjoying the anonymity and privacy of the bar too loud to be overheard and too crowded to care.

“I’m serious, Eddie,” Karen leaned in to his shoulder. “you and I would make beautiful babies together. If I didn’t love my wife so much – and I was sexually attracted to you at all – I would absolutely have your babies.”

Eddie, for his part, accepted her attempt at a hug with a whimper and a smile. “Karen, that’s so sweet. Hen is so luck to have you, you know that?”

“I know, right?” She only shouted so she could be heard over the music (which none of them would admit not knowing the words to).

“No, I’m serious.” Eddie batted away invisible hands. “You are so smart, and you’re incredibly patient – not to mention drop dead gorgeous. And you’re honest, and funny as hell.” He fell into her side. “You’re great.”

Karen stared down at where he rested on her shoulder, either forgetting what she was going to say, or thinking so slowly, it took her that long to come to a conclusion.

“I hope Buck tops you so hard tonight.”

Maddie slammed her glass on the table, having jumped ahead of them in the shot game while they were in their own round of complimentary chicken.

“I specifically avoided my brother’s party so I wouldn’t have to hear about his sexual escapades.”

Eddie rolled his head to look at his future sister-in-law.

“Maddie, I so appreciate you coming with me tonight. I like spending time with you; we should talk more. You’re so brave and”

“Blah, blah, blah.” Maddie rolled her eyes, already reaching for another shot of whatever they’d ordered a dozen of when they told the bartender to surprise them. “You are so talkative when you’re drunk. It’s like alcohol switches off the part of your brain that tells you when to shut up. Which is a slight improvement over the rest of the time when it’s like pulling teeth to get you to say three words to me.”

His pout seemed to melt off his face as she went on her tirade, but he finally found the words. “You make me nervous; but in a good way. I love your brother so much, and he cares a lot about what you think.” Words were becoming a challenge but he soldiered on – ha! “I think Buck would be sad if you didn’t like me and I don’t want him to be sad. So I worry about you liking me.”

Maddie sighed heavily, passing him his own shot glass for them to toast. “You make it so hard to be annoyed with you, you know that?”

“Hey, why are you trying to steal my imaginary boyfriend?” Karen shot up from her micro-nap, reaching for her own glass.

“Don’t worry, Karen” Eddie hugged her to his side. “We’ll always have Joxer’s.”

“If I didn’t have 100% confidence in your love for my brother, I’d be worried about how much the two of you are flirting.”

His eyes were wide when he turned to Maddie. “You’re 100% confident? But I thought you said I was annoying?”

“You are very annoying” she assured him. “But one of the most annoying things about you is how openly you love Buck.”

“It is disgustingly cute.” Karen nodded in agreement (though, nodded was a generous description for the slow head bob as she drifted in and out of consciousness).

“You’ve always just wanted what was best for him and tried to make him happy. I can tell you he’s never been happier than he is with you. You’re really good for my brother, Eddie.”

Later, he might blame the tears on the alcohol, but tonight, he pulled Maddie into a hug, kissed her hair, and told her again how much he loved her.

“Lame!” Chimney declared, holding up his own glass of something he should have stopped drinking hours ago. “That’s too tame, Hen, dare him to take his shirt off while he does it.”

Hen’s laughter was swallowed by the bustling crowd of old alcoholics and broke college students.

“I sometimes think you just see me as a piece of meat, Chim.” Buck’s quiet contemplation had been the source of much mocking all evening and now was no different, earning disapproving groans and snide remarks that had ceased being subtle four shots ago.

“We all know he has the hots for Eddie” Hen snorted.

That seemed to satisfy Buck’s pout (or the mention of his fiancé never failed to put a smile on his face). “I don’t blame you; Eddie is very hot.” He paused long enough to point a shaky finger in his friend’s direction. “But you are not allowed to cheat on my sister. She’d be really sad if you broke her heart and I don’t want to see her sad anymore.”

Chimney stared at his brother-in-law until he found the energy to move his mouth, as much sincerity as he could muster pouring all over the table. “I love your sister. I want to spend my whole life making her happy.”

“Shots!” Hen loudly declared, passing out new glasses for the trio from the tray they’d ordered, vowing it would be the last round – a lie that no one (not even the bartenders) believed.

“Shots!” Chimney failed to sit up from his slumped position at the edge of the booth but he managed to retrieve his drink and clink glasses with his friends, which was enough for the moment.

Hen held them in suspense with their tequila in the air. “One more shot, and you have to strip on the bar. That’s the deal.”

Buck rolled his eyes. “I’m not stripping on the bar again.”

Both paramedics nearly spit out their drinks but Hen was the first to regain her senses.

“You’ve done it before?”

“No!” His response came too late – and if any of them remembered this night, he might be worried about repercussions.

“You have.” Chimney point a lazy hand in his general direction, fading faster than the others.

“Why are you on her side now?” Buck would be very offended at both Chimneys, if he could look either of them in the eyes.

“I’m on the winning side.” He loudly declared, dropping his shot glass a little too forcefully onto the table, shattering their eardrums.

“If you’re not going to at least jump on the table then I’m going home.” Hen was already stumbling out of the booth when Buck grabbed her arm.

“Fine, fine,” he conceded, pushing their copious glassware to the edges of the table. “For you.”

Five minutes later, the trio caught themselves against the side of the building, Chimney holding an icepack to Buck’s forehead, and Hen apologizing to the bouncer for the seventh time as the door slammed behind them.

“My phone is dead so we can’t call Bobby.” Buck tucked his phone into his back pocket – nearly falling over when he went back to retrieve the phone that never made it into his pants.

“I could call Bobby.” Chimney did his best to keep his friend upright, but coordination was not his friend tonight.

“Or we could walk!” Hen declared, already setting off towards the sidewalk. What choice did they have but to follow behind, decidedly not calling Bobby to come get them from the other side of town.

While Chimney held the ice pack, Buck was free to sling his arms around his friends and pull them close.

“I am so lucky to know you guys, you know that?” The force of his embrace sent them stumbling over the synthetic grass, but they caught themselves in time. “See, you protect me.”

Hen, clearly the sensible one of the group, pulled them forward. “Come on, I bet we could run and keep our arms locked like this.”

Eddie’s trio weren’t fairing much better, having respectfully paid their bar tab after a woman tried to hit on Eddie, and Karen nearly threw an empty glass at her head. Maddie had wisely called Athena (although, the vulgar language she used would be the source of a lecture at the breakfast table), but that didn’t stop them from wandering down the street and away from the place they’d promised to stay.

They were definitely too far from their meeting spot when Eddie spotted a group of familiar faces across the four-lane road.

“Buck?!” he called, pulling more attention than strictly necessary. As long as it got the one man he was after, it would be worth it.

“Eddie?” Bingo! Both parties stood parallel to each other, mirroring their swaying movement. “What are you doing over there?”

“We’re waiting for Athena.”

“Cool. We didn’t call Bobby so we’re walking home.”

Eddie furrowed his brow. “Home is that way.” He gestured in a direction that would eventually get them back to their home (if they circled the globe a few times).

“Oh.” Buck frowned, taking him at his word. “We’ll stop then.”

“What happened to your forehead?” Maddie’s shout startled him for her sheer proximity – not because he forgot she was there because he only had eyes for his fiancé. She had a good point though. Why was Chimney holding an ice pack to Buck’s head?

“He wrestled a bear” Hen declared.

“No, I didn’t.” Buck shot his friend an annoyed glare. The thought of shots made Eddie queasy in the night air, but he listened to the trio across the street.

“I told you to, but you said we couldn’t find one this late at night.”

“There’s one at the zoo.” Karen shouted unhelpfully.

“We should go to the zoo.” Hen latched on to his wife’s idea much too quickly.

“You’re all idiots.” Maddie rolled her eyes, stumbling as she did so; thank god she at least thought to wear flats for her evening out. “Come over here and wait for Athena with us.”

Chimney had to be pulled back by Buck’s lightning-dull reflexes when he stepped out onto the road at his wife’s command.

“Use the crosswalk dummy” she scolded, earning an indignant look from her brother.

“Don’t be mean to Chim; he loves you so much.”

“Yeah,” Chimney parroted. “I love you so much.”

Eddie watched the exchange wistfully. He’d always liked Maddie and Chimney’s relationship. They took care of each other and respected one another and laughed together and talked together. He could only hope that one day he’d find something that good.

Oh wait, he had.

“I’m going to marry you, Evan Buckley!” Eddie shouted to the world, his eyes landing on the only face that mattered. “You’re going to be mine forever.”

“I love you, Eddie Diaz” Buck called back. “I’m gonna marry you so hard.”

“Oh my god.” Six fuzzy heads turned to face a very put out – though secretly bemused – Athena Grant, arms crossed over her chest from her position against the light post. “It’s like herding cats with you all.”

“’Thena!” Hen called from across the street. “We didn’t call Bobby.”

“I noticed. He’s here anyways.” The police sergeant clicked her tongue in annoyance. “I’m not shouting at you three all night, get over here.” When they didn’t move right away, she added with a glare “now!”

While one drunken trio made their way to the crosswalk to join their friends, Athena turned her attention to the drunken trio in front of her.

“And you three, were supposed to stay by the bar. Instead, I have to walk six blocks to find you, while Bobby is trying to find those three stooges at their meeting location twenty blocks away.” She continued her lecture even as she pulled out her phone to call her husband. “The six of you are going to send us both into early retirement.”

“Bobby, your kids are here with mine, you know the bar? Great.” She’d barely swiped the call button when she found herself engulfed by Eddie’s hug.

“Thank you for coming to get us, Athena. You always take such good care of us.” She hesitated for a moment before sighing and giving in to his sloppy embrace.

“I’ll remind you you said that in the morning.” They were all going to wake up miserable. Why had she let her husband agree to let them take the spare bedrooms? If she conveniently forgot now, they’d never know.

She’d drive them back to her house anyways.

“I’ll always remember” he promised, eyes wide and sincere. “For as long as I Buck!” Athena recoiled when Eddie shouted in her ear, immediately detaching himself so he could fling his arms around his fiancé, letting the ice pack drop to the ground. “You came!”

Buck held Eddie tightly to his chest, squeezing as hard as they both could. “I’ll always come for you” he declared with the same sincerity Eddie had worn before. She hoped they remembered being this unbearably sappy. It wouldn’t be any fun to tease them if they had no idea what she was talking about.

As the three couples reunited, Athena stood off to the side, watching them cuddle and exchange light kisses. Karen and Hen’s touches were soft and quiet, Maddie and Chimney exchanged flirtatious words for only them, and Eddie was gently swiping his thumb over the inevitable bruise on Buck’s forehead. Each seemed to temper the other, adding a calm to the evening that had been chaos until now. They were happy – all of them – that seemed a hard thing to earn in their line of work. But they’d found it, somehow.

Her friends may be an absolute headache sometimes, but she loved them dearly.

Until Chimney vomited into the nearest trashcan, setting off an impossibly disgusting chain reaction amongst the group.

Maybe tonight, she’d love them from afar.

[dzpenumbra]

10/5/22

Weird day. Everything was off. Woke up and rushed to find groceries left on my porch for close to an hour. I think the food is all okay, there was a lot of chicken there. But it's cool out so I think it was fine. I got "breakfast" - half a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and an "emergency aka I don't want to make coffee Monster".

My mom came over and helped me sort my big pile of possessions that apparently just takes up half of my main room but I never really touch or look at. We sorted half of it a few days ago, today we tried to get the rest. I made it through a lot of it. Found old notepads with notes chronicling very difficult times. Times that should have been better. Well, maybe just could... I found some old lyrics that I don't remember writing, that's always a really cool feeling. Finding something that you wrote stream-of-consciousness and not recognizing that you were the author. It sounded like my style, but it was all new. Really cool experience when it's in lyric/poetry form, but really fucking weird how when I come across old journals and shit, stuff written in this format, I just kinda start freaking out a bit.

Freaking out is what I want to talk about, and fuck the whole "it's 7 AM, I should..." blah blah. Do I want to rush to sleep when it's already this late, or do I wanna work on my PTSD that I've been having like... a lot of attacks from lately. I've gotta do it sometime, and I spent the whole night just fucking off watching Twitch, playing Rimworld and rushing a not that great sketch for SketchDaily at 2AM. Let's break it up first though, start on a good note. I'm gonna go get the lyrics I found and share them with... well whoever reads this, I guess. If you stumbled across this and there isn't a Like (or whatever you guys call them on this site, I'm new, sorry. -_- ) then you are most likely the only other human being besides myself to hear these lyrics, so consider yourself very special!

I broke open the potion, motioning potently Hope my opening coping mechanisms, giving breath to living death We live in debt to thoughts that accost every sentimental pedal grinding cogs in the machine of dreams. Scream for serene mediocrity, premium property careening into poverty. So offer me your thoughts, you see I never let a picture of ghosts convict or repost my notes. Scoping venues of attack, cracking plastic masks we detach the masses with lactic acids and come back with passions, past visions of incisions digging deeper every second we progress. Stepping to the precipice, letting the second messages set and bet all my poker chips to open this Hopeless Opus. I know we'll overthrow this catastrophic masterpiece. At last I see. Rising from the ashes like a phoenix, taking flight into the Stars.

I think I'll call it "Hopeless Opus". And I think I'm gonna put it in my poetry book. I found it crumpled up in one of my storage bins or cardboard boxes of stuff on the floor. It's probably about 7-10 years old. I probably haven't read it since I wrote it. My house is full of this stuff. Poetry, sketches, half-finished projects, notebooks full of dream journals and sketches and doodles and minecraft diagrams and reference sheets for minecraft builds and notes for Subnautica recipes or Diablo 3 Rift run time-to-loot ratios. Shit like that. Chock full of it. It's pretty weird how this is just like... kinda normal to people in my world. Like... no one really looks at the shit I make and goes "We need to save that, we need to frame that and put it on a wall." Nope. This... We're getting to the root of my freakout today, by the way, so if you can feel that momentum, that intense gravity well in my writing that's just sucking this paragraph over towards this topic, that's what's goin on. Here we go. So let me set the scene.

I went to get my container that had... well basically all of my non-medical grade tattoo supplies. You see... there's a complete arc to my life story that I haven't really touched on here, and that I guess I don't often tell people. Well, I mean... it just doesn't really come up anymore? I guess? I don't know. So, when I decided my whole "custom graphics drawn on anything" store thing wasn't gonna work if I just tried to do it all myself (back in 2010), I decided to pursue tattoos. I mean, it's was a similar idea, and I did draw on skin a lot, and designed my own tattoos, right? So fuck it, let's go be a tattooist. I talked to my tattoo artist when I was getting a piece done by her, I still have the hand-drawn custom text font original sitting around somewhere. She kinda mangled the tattoo of it, to be honest. But I compulsively forgive, so like... it's not like it's permanent... But honestly, I'm more upset with where this went.

I asked her where she apprenticed, how to get into tattooing, if she's looking to take on an apprentice, that whole thing. She told me of this Tattoo School thing the next state over, she said she did that and just got licensed and set up shop. So... I cashed in my Americorps money and put it towards going to this school. I got tons of experience, and met some people. But I was kinda dumped out of the school back to my home state after. No one kept in touch. I met up with one of the guys I went with a few winters later, but it was weird, I was older and bought them booze and sat around sober at their party until I got bored and drove home. So... yeah, not the best scene, kinda super depressing actually now that I look back at it. So... yeah. I reached back out to my former artist, really hoping to follow up on finishing my hours under her. She shut me down. I shit you not. I had an art degree, I trusted her with 4 of my tattoos, she had no apprentice at the time and I went to the program she pointed me towards - the one she graduated from. And she turned me down.

So I went home and set up shop to do work for friends if they wanted it, two people took me up on it. Most of my work the next few years was tattoo design and portraiture commissions. I heard through the grapevine, from my best friend at the time who got one of the pieces she commission from me done by my old artist. I swear, at that point she probably inked more of my originals than her own... I'm a bit bitter... I heard that she had a new apprentice. That it was some teenage, maybe early 20s scene chick or something? Probably someone to just work the counters and clean or some shit.

I was dead in the water with tattooing. I didn't have any connections I could think of. The lady that ran the tattoo school moved down to Florida. The kid that had me buy beer worked at his dad's shop, they opened a new shop at some point I think? Fuck if I know. That whole thing was weird. But that kid tattooed a piece on my leg, so... weird how that's weird, I guess.

I didn't know anyone else. So I just went it alone. And fell back into design. Yeah. So just a few years ago, the winter before the pandemic, I went to a vocational rehabilitation program at the state offices. It was awkward as fuck. But the lady was really nice and her kids watched Twitch so she at least had an idea of what a livestream was. She hooked me up with an interview at an animal shelter as a dude who would be basically scooping cat shit and getting super bonded to animals, then watching them be put to death because they don't have a home to go to. And the lady who didn't hire me made a very fucking smart choice not hiring my ass. She saved me a lifetime of sleepless nights. The other meeting I had was with a tattoo shop like 3 towns over. They get a lot of good press, I had heard their name a lot. I showed up to the meeting about 30 minutes early, it was very early morning for me, probably around 8 or 9 AM. It was winter, and I'm just sitting in my car with the heater on trying to keep my music down, looking through my portfolio from years ago on my phone, waiting for the shop to open.

I went in, they seated me in the waiting area. They were still opening up and shit. I have no idea why this guy would schedule me first thing in the morning... that was really weird, in hindsight... but yeah, there I was, looking through their flashbooks on the table to get a feel for their styles, to familiarize myself with it, see if there were common trends I could bring up. I mean, they could be my future coworkers, I should be cool about it and not just brag and show off the whole time.

The guy brings me in to his booth. I start talking about my work and showing him some pieces on my phone. He was acting pretty aloof and, I don't know, distant I guess? Maybe he was just confused or tunnel-visioned or something. After the conversation was visibly not working for both of us, I don't really know what happened exactly, it was a few years ago... but he made it clear that he thought I was here for a tattoo appointment, and I was very clearly there for a job interview. He went on to start telling me a story about how he did an apprenticeship once, and the guy went to a town probably 40 minutes away from him, over a mountain range, and set up a shop in a remote rural area. He claimed the guy stole his business, ripped him off essentially, and set up a competing business in his area or some shit. I heard stories about this mentality in the school.

I very clearly didn't get the apprenticeship. I tried to explain that I just needed hours and that I was planning on leaving the state anyway so like... it's not the end of the world... but it was a hard no. And I really should have guessed seeing that when I looked at the site after, the only people in the shop were him, his wife, his daughter and her boyfriend/fiancee/husband/whatever. No clue why that dude agreed to set up a meeting with me, honestly. That was actually really shitty of him. Maybe he just wasn't thinking or something. Weird shit.

So that's pretty much where I just said fuck the tattoo thing. It was never my favorite medium. Nervewracking, stressful, tactilely overwhelming. It was good money, but it was never my favorite. It had its spiritual angles that appealed, and I got pretty good at it for a while, but I laid that baton down that day. I haven't really looked back since. Fuck that shit.

Then I reconnected with another friend from way back. He wanted to pursue tattooing, and actually turned down an apprenticeship that was offered to him. This was at like late spring/early summer of the pandemic. I offered him all of my tattoo gear. For free. My coil machines, my needles, my inks, even my rotary and the cartridges for it. They were relics from a bygone era. It's not the life for me. He turned them down. He wanted to do it his way. You know, the same reason he turned down the apprenticeship. That thing. So, yeah.

Today. I got the bin of tattoo stuff. The stuff that wasn't medical grade. The sketches, the prototypes, the piles of unused transfer paper (that would have been used as tattoo stencils). I mean, like over 100. IN THE TRASH. My old catalogue from 2013. IN THE TRASH. I debated throwing away the script from the highschool play I was in that my bandmate's friend was in. The one who played bass for us on stage in a Spiderman suit. I started to get stuck. I threw away some of my art today. Sketches, failed prototypes, but so much of it that it just. All of it hit me. Really hard.

I can't even really explain what happened. I just got really... offended, I guess? Or... just insanely deeply acutely depressed all at once? Or something. I really want to try and articulate this feeling, because then I can remember it for when it inevitably hits again. I was sad and angry and outraged and hurt all at the same time. I felt like if I'm such a talented artist, why the fuck does no one want any of my shit?! If I'm so good and skilled, why the hell is it all going into the trash. I feel in that moment like the kid who had his art pinned to the fridge having to take his own work down and put it in the trash himself, and learn through doing - not from being told in a kind, caring and fair way - that he is not a good artist. He will not be a professional artist. He is not talented enough, and no one will even tell him what skills to improve. No one will even tell him where he's going wrong, what he's missing. They just say "it's great, you're very talented" and then walk the fuck away. So a lot of me just goes, "okay, they're clearly just trying to be polite" and try to figure out what I could make better. But that shit was making me a perfectionist, and I'm very susceptible to OCD habits, so I tried to break free from it. I tried to engage - "what do you like about it? who is your favorite character? what could I do better?" Shit like that. But they're usually out the door by then.

So I bitched to the only person in the world helping me with anything about how no one helps me. About all that. And how I wish people would just tell me that I suck to my face so I can just put an end to all this crap. So I don't have to keep going on deluding myself into thinking I have a future with this. That part of me is very convincing, he makes very compelling points. It's hard to let him speak when I don't fully accept his narrative. I truly know I have talent. I do. But when every bit of evidence in front of you is screaming "the only reason people don't want shit is because they don't like it"... and you fight back against that? When you're the only person that wants your shit? That's just egotism. It's narcissism. I fucking hate it. So rock, meet hard place. Me sandwiched between.

So in that moment, I search for meaning. I search for exemptions to this damned if I do, damned if I don't situation. I explain how I wouldnt have this problem if people valued my shit. How demeaning it is that people can't even bother to go to my print shop that's been up for like 2 years. Why? Because... I mean... I don't know? Why is this hard? Just give people my Instagram, my profile has a link on it. I mean that's just like... How. Fucking. Lazy. Are People?! Do you need me to swipe your card for you too? I mean come on here. I think I literally said that to my Mom, like "I could hold a tablet with the shop up and Pay Now button on the damn screen and I'd still have to pull their arm over to press the screen." And you say you like my shit? You say it's good? It's like bargain bin prices too, it's super insulting. So yeah, you can probably tell by how worked up I am now how irritated I was getting there.

So yeah. A long path to get to that place. And that place was clearly a combination of a lot of intensely stressful and life-changing moments. A large nerve cluster at the center where this web of experiences meet. I guess they call that "complex trauma"? I don't know the jargon.

After a while of trying to get through that, eventually it kinda just faded down I guess, I don't know how. I really don't remember a ton. Maybe I let it go or something, I don't know. But the whole time I was just... I don't know... waiting to hear something different. Waiting to hear someone say "you better not give up on this." "You have a gift, you need to see it through, you've already come this far, don't give up now." Shit like that. Not like, you need to get better at marketing. Not like, you need to make more friends. Not like, you need to figure out how to fix this yourself. These are the sentiments I read from the situation, there's a reason they're not direct quotes.

So yeah, a bit of a Yin and Yang here in this journal that I was going to depressedly skip and just try to pass out, but instead stayed up until 8:30 AM typing because fuck it, I need to get this shit out and it's a rollercoaster of a story. I'm glad I got to share the poetry too, I think it's very relevant to a lot of what I'm dealing with here, at least parts of it.

I can feel myself winding down. Thank you for reading if you did. This is the story of how my career went to shit. But it led me to freelance, streaming and content creation, so in the end, this may be a better life for me than the one I was signing up for. I guess we'll have to see!